As I write this blog, I am feeling a strong conflict between what is and what I desire for myself. I am confused about why my body has decided to be so self-destructive – using it’s own potential to heal to destroy! I am not the person I once was – vital, energetic, passionate, physically strong, action-oriented. It is as if these qualities are being ceremoniously engulfed in flames – somehow a testament to their fleeting nature. After all, no one leaves this world vital, energetic, physically stong, or in any form of controlled action. Nothing is permanent – only borrowed for a time. Anyone who has been a parent knows this to be true. We never own our children (or our role as parent), we only borrow them for a short period of time. And, although we will not be parenting all of our lives, it is a difficult role to give up.
But, I need more time to keep company with these qualities by which I identify myself. I have more action-oriented aspirations. Right?
Redefining who we are is never easy. Change is difficult and challenging.
So, this helps me to understand why it is sometimes necessary to destroy one thing so that another can take its place.
I am not saying that I will never be vital and energetic again. I know that I will. However, I am certain that my energies are being redirected in some way that I am not able to understand just yet. I feel like a forest being deforested. Initially the flames are terrifying. But, when the deforestation is complete, the forest can be reforested to insure revitalization. So, I will think of this period of my life as a sort of fire pruning that is natural and purposeful.
Remember the mythological story of the Phoenix? The Phoenix had the ability to be reborn from its own ashes. With the ability to recreate itself, the Phoenix became immortal. So, recreation requires a measure of destruction. Can real change occur without destruction. Or, is destruction just another way of making room for change?