Well, it has been several days since I have written a blog. You could say that I have been in a state of dormancy, or more metaphorically, the pupa state of the butterfly. The pupa state serves to allow the caterpillar to undergo its final life stage of transformation into a butterfly..
I have been hospitalized for the 5th time since March of this year. My metamorphosis into a butterfly is looking grim. I am impatient for this hoped-for transformation. Instead, I am feeling more like a sloth – slow, lazy, and disoriented from all that hanging around upside down in trees.
I am thinking that there is no chance of transforming into a newer version of myself while I am hanging out in hospitals (or trees). Changes are transparent in the hospital. Night and day are similar except for the changing of the guards. Routines occur with the regularity of the military. Meals arrive with the preciseness dictated by the clock on the wall.
My body appears to be in resistance to my desire to move to the transformative stage of my life. I guess, in many ways, I am looking for a reward for all the challenges I have had to face. But, the truth is, there are no rewards. There is only process. Process is described as “a sustained phenomenon or one marked by gradual changes through a series of states”.
Certainly, I have gone through a series of states. I cannot understand the purpose of these challenges just yet. But, if I can be a sloth for a while; hang upside down and let the blood flow to my head,, I think the process will naturally occur. I don’t know if I will become a butterfly. Maybe I will become a right-side up sloth – slower, more deliberate, and purposeful in my actions. How amazing would it be to be able to live consciously everyday whether from a tree, a hospital room, a bed, or while with family or friends? How amazing would it be to be present in every moment without concern for the next moment?
So, this is all I can manage right now! Here’s to hanging!