It looks like I am not going to be running any Marathons soon! It also looks like I may be in the experimental stage of treatment for an undetermined amount of time.
I am writing this for my ego to absorb. My ego is delicate. I hear its rebellion against this idea reverberate off of whatever solid identity I have left. I notice that the resistance has less vibrato than it did even a week ago. It is like a child winding down from a temper tantrum – finally acquiescing to the parent’s will. The child is exhausted; but more reasonable. There is something in the child’s breathing that lets you know he has moved from the passion of his desire to the acceptance of his pragmatic reality. There is something in the tone of his muscles as they let go and become more flaccid that speaks of his defeat. The slack of his face reports that he has relented to his parents influential power.
As I write this, I have great sympathy for the child who has to give up on his passion whether it is for staying up a late to watch the Patriots or for ten more minutes on the WII. I understand the resistance of the child to have his passion thwarted!
Fate is my controlling parent. It is unrelenting in its insistence that my will not be done! And, just as a child’s shortsightedness is unable to comprehend the benefits of the parent’s restrictions, I cannot see the benefits of my fate. Just like the child, I feel punished and impotent.
I still resist my reality. I have not yet reached the point at which I can relent and let go! I want to be the manager of my destiny. Who is Fate to think that she can carelessly disregard my passion for life! Who is Fate to think that she can boss me around? I am growing more weary from this fight.
I never believed Fate to be a real force in my life. Fate was simply what you made of your life. Yet, I am capitalizing Fate as I write this blog! If Fate if just a myth, then why do I feel her presence?
If Fate is real, what is her intention? Does Fate act as a parent supporting growth and idealistic potential? I am thinking that acting as a parent, it is not interested in satisfying immediate passions. Fate is more interested in guiding the soul to some predestined purpose.
This all sounds very heady! But, Ego is an idea just as Fate is an idea. And, I think we can all agree that Ego is the source of many problems. The concepts that we have of ourselves often keep us restricted and limited. If we could put our egocentric notions aside for a while, could we grow into ourselves in larger ways? Does the Ego interfere with growth in the same way that a child’s passion to express himself interferes with his growth?
Obviously a child cannot develop into a solid adult without the guidance of a selfless parent. Is Fate acting as a selfless guide when life throws us a curve ball? Is there really still room for growth in my life? And, how do I manage this time between who I was and who I may become?